The carriage waits at the door, it's afternoon
The autumn sun beats down with all its might
In the warm midday breeze, under the shade of a tree
A beggar sleeps in peace like it were midnight.
The dusty road lies bare, it's quiet everywhere
Except in my home, where things are astir.
The festive month is over, so is my leave
I must go back to my distant work town
The servants are packing, there is much fuss.
In our room, she remains, her wet eyelids down.
My child's mother, my beloved, with a heavy heart
Is busy at work to send me off
My luggage grows in size- all these boxes, jars and pans
I know not how to carry this huge weight of love.
I said, "I'll take some, I really can’t take all."
She won't listen to me, for what do I know
What I might need in that faraway land
Far from her caring hands, and so
She packs in fine rice, molasses, and paan
Coconuts and mangoes and good mustard oil
Medicines and milk and "I packed some sweets
Remember to eat them before they spoil!"
I know she won't listen, I must take it all
Love knows no reason, I cannot argue
I look at the clock, then at her dear face
"I have to leave" I whisper, I really do.
She turns her eyes away, her saree covers her face
She strives to hide those inauspicious tears
I walk out of the door, and right outside
Sits my little daughter, all of four years.
On a regular day she'd be bathed and fed
And would perhaps be, by now, deep in sleep
But today her mother, being busy elsewhere
Has suspended her ward’s habitual upkeep.
The child has been following me like a shadow
Watching the preparations with rapt interest
Which perhaps tired her little body
And she sat down by the door for a bit of rest.
I said, "My little mother, bid me goodbye."
She sat there, her little face dark with woe.
Then, announced in her little daughter-like way
Looking up at me: "I won't let you go!"
She didn't bar my way, she didn't clutch my hand
She asserted her rightful right on me,
Confident in her power, "I won't let you go!"
How her mandate was futile, she could never see.
My little delusional creature of love
Of strength, how do you make such demands?
Muster such power, such brave need to hold
Someone back with your tiny little hands.
How will you manage to keep everyone
You love? What battles will you fight?
Your love is your strength, your weapon, your shield
You’ve known how to love with all your wee might.
Out of your pained heart, emerged a desire today—
You could have said, "I wish you'd not leave."
You didn't express a wish, you demanded instead
My darling, I cannot imagine the ties you weave.
Reality defeated love's deep, strong pride,
This mocking world pulled me back in its stage
You kept sitting at the threshold, not moving at all
In grief, in nameless, tearful rage.
Your tears flow in my eyes, as I look around
At the fields heavy with autumnal crop
Blushing in the sun. Beside the tree lined road
A full Ganges gushes past without a stop.
White clouds hang from the sky, shaped like sheep
Sun warms the earth like the beginning of time
A sigh escapes my lips, as I look at the scene
A scene filled with an indifference that is almost sublime.
Yet the sky is steeped in sadness, the world holds its breath
All I can hear now are the words of heartbreak
" I won't let you go" "I won't let you go"
Arising from the earth, that time can't unmake.
The ground holding on to the tiniest grass
Whispering "you can't go." A tiny flame in the storm
About to go, but burns on as darkness asserts
"You can't go"--pronouncing an eternal norm,
Wordlessly, that ageless desire.
"I won't let you go" screams the surge of life
Showing forever that helplessness
In the face of separation, that eternal strife.
No one really listens; time takes it all
As love spins the earth, as empires fall.
No one ever answered. The world never cared.
Yet at this moment, all around me
A voice, like my daughter's, an ageless voice
Relentless, dauntless, forever free
Declares a war on loss, on the inevitable
Asks, "Why must I lose everything I own?
Why must I lose all I have loved
All that I desire, all that I've known?
Time's lesson unheeded, all defeats ignored
Love asserts its arrogance, love shines its sword.
Like a fleeting moment, like a speck of dust
In a quick heartbeat, in a fleeting breath
Loss descends like darkness
Like the deep calm of death.
Eyes flood, minds revolt, heads hang down
Like fallen trees in a raging gale
"How can my beloved go?" Love asks
Yet again and again, life’s designs must fail.
Such valiance is what makes one stand
Without fear or dilemma, unguarded
Challenging death's aggressive blows
Frailty forgotten, the "self" discarded.
"You're not real , death, you do not exist"
Life asserts proudly, as death smirks on
Pride stands firm, love marches ahead
Knowing unknowingly…. that all must be gone.
Tears evaporate, not the fear of loss,
the eternal angst of severance, the deep despair
Often lies dormant at the feet of love, weak
Like a hesitant fog, under sun’s watchful stare.
All I see today, are your little hands,
Not very strong. I feel your futile grip
Your tears, your fear, your love, your loss
Your clouds, your rain, your little wing-tip.
In the churning, frenzied river beneath
A shadow remains unmoved, as the waters quietly seethe.
I hear today in the murmuring fields
A need so great, a longing so strong
The wind cuts through in tepid disdain
Under the trees, the shadows grow long.
In the fields faraway, I hear a flute
Weeping eternal tunes, the earth listens on
Like a listless goddess, her long hair falling
Like waves in the ocean, like clouds at dawn.
Her patient eyes turned to the bright, warm blue
Of the autumn sky. Her lips wordless,
A little like my little daughter, all of four years
All alone by the door in puzzled distress.
